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09 November 2011 @ 11:51 pm
sixty-three: you can breathe, but the air is running out  
I woke up in a much better mood this morning, best I've been in in weeks. didn't stress too much about the day ahead until i got to school.

i had a writer's meeting in the morning with Mr. B, we discussed possibly my best essay yet for the class. he had such positive and wonderful things to say about it, it made me feel fantastic.

when we got on the topic of how the AP lit class was going to UB tonight to see Judy Shepard speak, I had to tell him I couldn't go. I explained that in the past week my life has pretty much changed and i'm going through an emotion tough spot. he didn't press for details, but instead completely understood me and said that if i ever needed anything, he was around. that made me feel so comforted. he's incredible. i know that if i ever break down in his class, it would really be okay haha.

my mood today was all over the place. my head cold/cough was making me kind of loopy and my friends found it funny, and i actually felt alright, except that i wanted to talk a lot and talking a lot made me light-headed.

i got kind of stressed because i knew we had to film our Spanish project today, it was our last day to do it. i really didn't want to. i didn't want to go anywhere with my friends, i just felt like shutting myself in. and my mom made me eat some yogurt after school even though i knew we were making apple crisp later, which made me feel kind of shitty

then my grandma called me. she buys my mom and i season tickets to the theater in the city every year, and there's a show coming up on sunday, and the three of us usually go together. but my grandma told me to give her ticket to a friend.

i hung up, confused, until my mom explained she had to tell my grandma something was wrong with me- so she said i had depression. i mean, it's not as bad as saying i have an ED simply because if my mom told her that, she'd be really concerned with my food intake all the time. this way she'll just be comforting to me since there's less she can do directly.

i feel bad for having to lie to her, but i just dont want her to get all sketchy about my eating habits. maybe one day we'll tell her the truth. but it's doubtful.

my friends picked me up to go tape our spanish project. i was still a little unhappy to be there. but when we actually got out and taped the skits we had to do, it was really fun and i felt so much better afterward.

i wore a short, black wig and a matching mustache and dressed like a guy as part of my "role", and i actually pulled it off! :p who would've thunk?

got home, made flatbread pizzas with my mom, didn't eat too much but tried to enjoy it. then i edited my video (had a little scare because iMovie wouldn't open at one point- luckily, my dad the Mac genius fixed it, thank god!), made apple crisp, and watched top chef with my mom.

i ate a lot of apple crisp. i'm still regretting it. but i almost purged, i was VERY close, but at the last moment stopped myself and realized: if i keep purging, my face will swell up. that is my #1 fear with everything. so i didn't.

looking forward to signing out of school tomorrow for my first ED therapist consultation! wish me luck that this one is a good match for me. i really want to get started on regular therapy sessions ASAP!