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09 November 2011 @ 12:03 am
sixty-two: thin, where the hell have you been?  
today I woke up with the worst anxiety ever. My head was foggy and I just felt overwhelmed with stress and thoughts. I reluctantly ate a banana and half of a thin whole wheat bagel for breakfast, feeling full and gross after.

As soon as I got to my first period study hall, I asked to go to the bathroom. I went to the secluded one by the art room and purged. Not a lot. But enough to make me feel gross. I wanted to feel bad, I wanted to hurt. Punishing myself through purging so I could be in pain felt like the right course of action for me to take. Plus it would get some of breakfast out of my stomach.

Sure I kind of regretted it, and I still do, but it's my awful stress reliever... First time purging since early September. I'm surprised I've held off this long.

School dragged on again. I was able to communicate better with my friends today, joking a bit more easily and hiding my suffering better. Still pretty much ignored Jordan despite his passes at me.

My mom texted me during economics to check up on me. It was nice to get that reassurance that she was there for me. It felt more sincere than even Bridget's inquiries about my feelings.

After school she picked me up again and she told me she talked to a few ED therapists. I have a consultation with one on Thursday (I get to sign out, yay!) and another one next Thursday. I really, really hope one is a good match.

I was forced into a pre-work snack, which was half a banana and half a protein shake. I kind of realized mom wasn't really paying attention to me so I tossed half of the protein shake down the sink... She noticed... And she was super upset about it. She was saying how I had to cooperate of I ever wanted to be better..: I get that. She just doesn't know quite how difficult it is.

Turns out I had read the schedule wrong. I wasn't working tonight, I was working tomorrow. But they kept me anyway, 4-7, and it was fucking awful. I was left alone for about 20 minutes. I thought I would be fine, but no, I pretty much screwed EVERYTHING up. A manager had to come, without me asking, to help out. And I kept screwing up even when she was there. I let everyone down, I didn't show I was a good worker, I wanted to die.

And then I still have work tomorrow. Except I have to do my Spanish project tomorrow with my group. So I'm calling in fake sick. I feel fucking terrible for doing it, but I just have to. Besides I kind of really am getting sick (karma?) with a head cold & a stupid cough.

Took a shower when I got home, then ate an egg with potatoes and green beans mixed in with it. Mom tried to get me to eat the whole egg and a half of a whole wheat bagel but I just couldn't. I let the food sit there. I wanted leftover apple crisp more than anything, I don't even know why I would rather eat that more than anything in the entire world, I just feel so comforted by it

I couldn't even talk during dinner. I felt so anxious and low. my dad didn't even notice. he doesn't take me seriously.

Mom and I played a few word games while I finished up some apple crisp. Then we looked through old photos so I could find my baby picture for the year book. I think I found some cute ones!

definitely not feeling as fucking awful as earlier, but not too great either. here's to tomorrow.
 
 
 
alicjosz on November 9th, 2011 05:51 pm (UTC)
You're strong enough to fight it. It will take a long time and it will be difficult. I can't even imagine what You are getting through right now but I believe You'll do this and that You will be thin & healthy & happy soon :)
thunderst0rmsthunderst0rms on November 10th, 2011 04:37 am (UTC)
thank you for believing in me, i know in time i'll gain that same belief in myself. but i'm already getting more hopeful as time passes. :)