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06 November 2011 @ 11:37 pm
sixty: the spark in my eyes is gone somehow  
scrambled eggs w/ potatoes & tomatoes in it + half of a thin whole wheat bagel for breakfast.. gross. told my mom i felt gross after eating it. she tried to tell me for the billionth time to "ignore that little voice". it's not that simple...

she also asked why i spend so much time in the bathroom. i assured her that i am not purging, i only purge after crazy snack binges, and i have not purged in a while, and i turn some sort of water on when i purge. probably shouldn't have divulged that much information in case i feel the need to do it in the future.

my dad is also apparently worried about me purging when i go to take baths, and i take them like all the time.. i don't want them thinking i'm purging when i go to relax in a bath haha

my mom, grandma & I went to Letchworth state park for a nice outing. it was gorgeous out. we didn't do a lot of sight seeing but it was nice to get out of the house on such a nice autumn day. i was very relieved that the restaurant there was closed though.

mom tried to get me to eat anything tonight, i was sooo anxious about it, i pretended i wasn't hungry but she made me eat a little thing of green beans

i took a bath & read, then made apple crisp to eat during The Next Iron Chef, which is something my mom & i like to watch together

i ate past my "full" point because it was so good, i feel really fat, i don't want to go to school tomorrow because i have gym and i dont even want to take off my shirt to change

i want to starve myself again, i want to starve so bad, but there is no turning back now. and that scares me. my mind keeps jumping to "oh well you can just not eat for a few days" and then i realize that i'm being monitored so closely, that will be 100% impossible

Bridget was complaining about Jordan all day today, she's so upset she's talking exactly like him and that scares me and makes me not want to talk to her... she keeps saying she's really glad i'm being more open with her these days, but i'm not at all. i'm avoiding talking about my problems and focusing on hers like always. and she doesn't notice.

i am suffering so much and every time my ED gets brought up she dismisses it in the same way by saying "i'm always here for you, this will get better i promise, i love you! <3" and it kind of pisses me off because i spend FOREVER talking about her problems even though it's the same damn thing every day

wow

i'm a bitch

i need to sleep, let's see if that'll happen tonight. i can't even stand the thought of school tomorrow. kill me, please.
 
 
 
alicjosz on November 7th, 2011 06:03 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I understand You. I used to hide my problems and I was wondering if my best friend can see them without me saying anything. But she didn't see so one day I couldn't handle this and I started to cry and I told her. Anyway maybe Your friend isn't doing it special? Maybe she needs a little clue to figure out that You have big problem. Why don't You talk about it first? Maybe she can listen to You? You won't know until You try :) Or if You don't want to tell her, just don't do it.