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06 November 2011 @ 01:04 am
fifty-nine: i'm a loose bolt of a complete machine  
therapy went well, the woman was really easy to talk to. i did omit some details about my whole fwb situation though just because i felt it was too much too soon, especially since she’s not going to be my permanent therapist and she’s just more here to tide me over until i can get more specialized counseling

she kind of made me realize that my dad had more of an impact on my stress than i thought. i never really deal with him ever except when he starts pressuring me to excel in school, get my college apps in, etc, and otherwise he’s always drinking down in the basement. i never really cared much but i guess i did feel neglected and sort of shut out because of that

afterwards, my mom came to get me and we went to barnes & noble. she made me buy this bottled fruit-juice-smoothie thing and some almonds. she shared the almonds with me and forced me to drink at least half of the drink even though i kept staring at the nutrition facts on the back, scared out of my mind of all the carbs & calories…

then i drove out to Bridget's house and i hung out there. i act so normal around her, it’s really easy to feel happier with her. we watched glee and she ate an entire pint of ice cream (yeah, as shitty as it is i have to say i liked watching her eat it, it made me feel good about myself) and then we just hung out and babysat her little siblings

when i got home my dad was waiting for me. my mom had to go to work so she wrote out a list of things i could eat for dinner. she said i had to choose two of the options from the list. i studied that list forEVER trying to figure out something that wasn’t too bad. i chose some leftover potatoes&broccoli and a piece of whole grain toast.

i let my dad eat half of the leftovers i heated up, i think he understood it was too much for me. he also gave me a glass of wine, which was nice haha, although i did kind of worry about the calories.

the food was good, but of course, i felt gross after eating it & regretted every bite…. especially the toast. i’ve missed bread so much, but I. HATE. CARBS. they make me feel so fat.

after that my dad & i played Tomb Raider in the basement (because my mom told me she wanted my dad & i to bond and she didn’t want me to be alone). it was actually really fun and it got my mind off of my desire to eat more.

i took a bath, then my mom came home. my parents and i had a nice conversation about my therapy session, and my disordered thinking, and all of that… i’m so so so glad they’re willing to talk to me about this, i just want them to see things from my point of view, i want them to know how badly i need this help so they don’t think i’m just bullshitting this for attention

tomorrow i’m going to help my mom make apple crisp for her restaurant and a new episode of Next Iron Chef is on! (hahaha i’m such a nerd)

nowww hopefully i can actually fall asleep…