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06 November 2011 @ 01:02 am
fifty-eight: detox just to retox  

too anxious and tired to go to school today… slept until 12:30, my mom called me and woke me up… she told me to have some miralax with a little something to eat. I can’t eat. If no one is around me, I just won’t eat.

she also said she is taking the night off of work so she can be with me. I think she realizes that if im not left with the proper care then I can easily get by without eating

I’m going to go exercise now. my stomach is huge, I’m disgusting

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i had just started exercising when my mom called and said she sent my grandma up to watch me kfd;sgj;dljnlkbfkffhdkjgkf

we told my grandma i have a thyroid problem. i never want her to know about my ED, it’s just not worth worrying her, she doesn’t need my shit

one of the first things my grandma said when she saw me was “you look so skinny, have you lost weight?”

she’s literally the only person to say that to me. i starved myself and became skin & bones in front of my friends and family’s eyes and they never once mentioned me losing weight, or looking thinner, etc. wow.

and yet i still feel like a fucking whale.

mom told me to eat something but i just couldn’t. i put miralax in my coffee (it tastes like shit. i couldnt even finish it) but i’m not sure if it’ll work right since i haven’t eaten all day.

i kept having to lie to my grandma about my “thyroid problem”, saying i feel fine just super tired and unmotivated and blah blah blah. i felt awful for lying but it’s better than breaking her heart with the truth

we had a really long and enjoyable chat over coffee and i tried to make everything seem as normal as possible

took a really long, hot shower, then i dried my hair… my hair is literally like straw… it looks so shitty… it used to have a really cute, natural wave to it, but now it just falls flat and stringy…

once my mom comes home we’re going out somewhere, i guess to eat, but i just need to get out of this fucking house

all of my friends are suddenly texting me, worried, and i just don’t want to talk to them or see them or think about them

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went out and looked at ellipticals with my mom tonight. On the way there I explained some things about how I think when I eat and I think it helped my mom see things from my fucked up POV a little better… I started crying while I was explaining it haha ughh

we just made some little flatbread pizzas for dinner like we had yesterday… i dunno they taste really good but I wish I could just avoid eating all together because I just don’t want to start again

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watched Cars 2 with my parents, made popcorn, i think i ate too much and too quickly, i feel like shit

my mom kept saying “you hardly ate anything today, don’t worry about it” but i just am

fought the urge to purge…

talking to the therapist tomorrow, i’m a little nervous

gonna try to write a little for NaNoWriMo before i go to bed… all of this bullshit has killed my muse though…