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04 November 2011 @ 10:23 pm
fifty-seven: the lives we lead are only golden plated  

headed off to the doctor. no ones going to believe I have an ED because I dont have a low enough BMI. I can’t feel my hip bones as well after eating yesterday. im panicking.

I have an appointment with my moms therapist on Saturday. My mom and I are going together. I want to see my own therapist, now. I don’t know how much longer I can go without telling the whole story about this stupid disorder. because there are so many things I can’t tell my mom, or my dad, or a fucking doctor

I feel full, I hate this, I want to be hungry again, please…

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mom tried to get me to eat something substantial this morning. we settled on half a banana and some coffee.

since i’m 17 i go to a pediatrics place, and they have two waiting rooms, one for “sick visits” and one for “well visits”. we went into the sick side first. they sent us over to the other one.

the doctor diagnosed me with anorexia. she said i didn’t do any irreparable damage to my enamel due to purging which was good. my heart rate was low but not to a dangerous extent. im not dying. but i already knew that. im not a desperate case like so many other people, im just fucked in the head.

when we gave the receptionist my sheet with my diagnosis on it, she immediately changed her tone of voice and looked at us differently. like, in a sympathetic way. i had to go get miralax and blood work done after that.

at walgreens my mom wanted me to buy juice to drink before the blood work. i stood in front of the drink case for a long time studying the nutrition facts of all the juices. mom kept trying to stop me, saying “you don’t have to worry about that!” it didn’t deter me from checking. i bought a zero calorie tea.

it took a bit of prodding to find the veins in my arm but it didn’t bother me. i didn’t experience any light-headedness afterward surprisingly.

my mom tried to talk me into lunch, but i literally couldn’t even fathom eating anything she suggested. we went to wegman’s and kind of went through the store together choosing some healthier options that i wouldn’t mind slowly getting used to…

when we got home mom made me eat another half of a banana… she called the adolescent clinic to see if i can get into their ED program soon… the doctor said that program is very geared toward the individual’s need and provides patients with nutritionists and therapists… i really hope we hear back from them soon…

i dont know if i can handle school tomorrow but i know my dad will be really really disappointed in me if i dont go… id feel awful… i dont even know if my friends will buy that i was just really sick, because i know it’ll be so hard for me to act okay around them…

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im eating apple crisp and it tastes so good and its such a comfort

and i dont want to be eating it at all

but oh my god it’s the only thing that’s not making me jump off a goddamn bridge.

i am going to eat normally and be fat, fat, fat for the rest of my life.

i have to go to school tomorrow. i want to die. i am going to be the fakest person at that goddamn school. smiling, saying i’m fine, just still a little sick. the doctors said it’s just a cold, that’s it, a bad cold. i’m fine, just tired and sick and i’m not contagious i swear, hahahahaha

im going to cry.

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my mom mentioned school and i got so anxious i started crying. she said i could take the day off tomorrow. she said it might be better after i go to therapy on saturday.

but if i dont go tomorrow it’s just a sign i am weak…. i am so weak… just the thought of seeing people i know tomorrow makes me nauseous…

why am i struggling so much with the thought of interacting with my school mates? it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

i just ate so much apple crisp. im going to be fat. no one at the clinic is going to believe i have an ED because i’m so fat. they’re going to tell me im an attention whore. im such a failure
 
 
 
alicjosz on November 5th, 2011 01:44 pm (UTC)
You are not going to be fat just because of eating in normal quantities :) And you're not weak, trust me. You just got to get through this :) It's going to be hard, but did someone say life is easy? You must believe in Your strength and show everyone how wonderful person You are and that there's nothing what could make You giving up. Just listen to Crossfade - No giving up :)
thunderst0rmsthunderst0rms on November 6th, 2011 05:01 am (UTC)
i'm trying so hard to be strong through all of this, i really am. i have many ups and downs throughout the day, but at the end of everything i know it will be worth it... you are just too sweet, thank you for your support. :)