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03 November 2011 @ 01:05 am
fifty-six: i feel pretty, but unpretty.  
so i told my mom today.



I’m going to tell my mom about my ED, this morning…
I’m scared to death, I’m second guessing myself, I don’t know what to say, I’m already sick with anxiety…
But if I live like this much longer I won’t make it out okay… I need to do this…

---

she’s on the phone with her therapist right now, asking about finding me help…

but she’s so clueless about this…

she didn’t understand that gaining a few pounds is a big deal to me… She didn’t understand that I’m not just doing this because of societal pressure… But she’s willing to learn…

I just didn’t know how little she really knew about EDs. is this how all people see them? as just an illness for people who don’t want to be fat? That makes me scared.

She just came back downstairs. Her therapist is making some phone calls to find a therapist for me. She also suggested group therapy. I don’t know about that

My mom said she wanted to feed me… I want to eat… I don’t know

I’ll keep updating this as the day goes on about whats happening, I’m so scared.

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went out for breakfast with my mom. I wanted to, I needed it… Planned on actually eating pancakes or waffles or bacon like I have wanted to for so long but I literally couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had two eggs scrambled and shared home fries and strawberries with my mom

We talked a lot about my eating habits and how I felt. We also tried to devise a plan about my nutrition, but figured that it was best to first talk to my therapist or nutritionist

She wants me to find a way to sign out of lunch at school each day because she thinks it will help my stress at school. I don’t know. Maybe it will.

She also wants me to see if I can talk to my health teacher during school if I really need to… My school doesn’t have a psychologist… And I love the health teacher. So it’s a possibility

We went to the mall and got some random stuff but I knew she was just focused on me the entire time, making sure i felt alright even though I kept saying how much I regretted eating breakfast and stuff

We’re going to go on a walk later for exercise and plan a feasible dinner for me

I’m scared about how we’re going to tell my dad when he comes home, I don’t know how he’s going to take this news, I doubt he’s going to be happy to spend money for help for me…

I should probably get out of the bathroom now, I think my mom is standing nearby to make sure I’m not purging…

---

just went on a long walk with my mom. she said, “please at least try to cooperate with eating a few things for the next few days until we can get professional advice.” I kind of argued with her about it… I’m just not ready to eat healthy…

She keeps relating recovery to adopting the “weight watchers” mentality, how she felt motivated to find a healthy balance using Weight Watchers. Sure, she keeps trying to say she KNOWS I’m not just dieting and she KNOWS it’s way worse than anything she experienced, but still. It’s so obvious she really doesn’t understand anything….

I really want a call back from the therapist, like, now. I’m so anxious.

Dad should be home soon. How do I even approach this with him? How will he react? Im such a disappointment, I know he will just be let down, I’m so sorry.

---

My mom and i told my dad together. he was so unaffected by it. he said he knew there was something going on, basically told me this would be easy to fix, and mentioned how my grandma and aunt had eating problems too.

He was so casual about it. He made jokes, like it didn’t even matter. Then he said, “you should try to go to school tomorrow, and you know, act normal.”

yeah. you mean the way I’ve been acting for the past year? How I fake a smile and laugh off the “anorexic” jokes at lunch and hide how fucking insecure and sick I am every moment?

normal. I wanted to punch him for using that word. And for assuming this is going to be easy for me and that I’ll “get over this in no time.” he thought he just knew everything and I was basically overreacting.

I don’t think all the fucking suffering I’ve been doing can be filed under “overreacting”. pretty sure it’s justified by my crazy stress, demanding friends, twisted love life, desire to please everyone, extreme self-hatred and need for some fucking control in my life.

My mom let me sob into her shoulder for a while and then I told her I needed to be alone… I think she’s talking to my dad right now. I think they’re fighting. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I’m a disappointment, I’m not worth anyone’s time.

---

i’m doing alright at the moment. mom & i made apple crisp. im going to try to eat it without feeling like shit about myself & without binging.

my mom also tried to get me to eat wheat toast. she made two pieces and shared it with me. i ate a quarter of it, piece by tiny piece… god i missed toast so so so so much… but it didn’t settle well in my stomach. nothing has. i can’t eat without my stomach getting upset today.

tomorrow i have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. she’s going to tell me if she wants me to go get blood work done & see how i can work on physical recovery. i’m nervous. i know i haven’t gotten my period in months (since the beginning of the year…) and i haven’t had any bowel movements in forever… so yeah. that’s a little nerve wracking.

also, question; who gives a professional diagnosis in regards to EDs? doctors or psychologists, or both?

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mom just came into my room saying she’s been ‘reading up’ on this and found all this stuff that said exactly what i was saying earlier about control and needing to feel superior to people

she keeps saying ‘we can beat this, we can beat this’

she seems so certain it’ll be this obstacle and i’ll be able to put it in my past so easily

but i’m still unsure

i feel so guilty for eating today.

i need the counselor to call back

i need to talk to a professional asap

i dont know how much it will help

but it’s just worth a shot

all i have is this faint, faint hope…

please let tomorrow go well…
 
 
 
alicjosz on November 3rd, 2011 03:25 pm (UTC)
I must say You're very brave person. You did this! You told her. That's amazing :) Wish You luck :)
thunderst0rmsthunderst0rms on November 5th, 2011 02:24 am (UTC)
thank you tons <3 :)